You are so beautiful!

'You are so beautiful!', she said. Surprised, I looked up. I wandered what had I done extra that made her feel so. I had just taken a bath and changed into 'something decent' from my night suit. That's about it! She, half asleep, opened her eyes and saw me, opened her eyes wide and smiled and said, "You are so beautiful Mumma!"

Tears welled up in my eyes. I wasn't crying but the emotions churning inside decided to show up. This 4 year old still finds me beautiful with those 20 kgs extra all over, face swollen up, hairs gradually falling out, me so unlike me, but this little one has no reason to complain.

Post pregnancy weight and all the changes thereon had succeeded in pulling down my self confidence. Once a chirpy girl was simply struggling to balance all the facets - home, office, the "not so naughty' toddler and all other "little little" responsibilities mounting up to that huge pile whose pinnacle was nowhere in sight. Amidst this, I had completely forgotten that there is another self I need to take care of - that self being 'myself'.

Am I unable to manage everything well, am I taking myself too lightly, shall I never be back to my older self, shall I keep feeling so depressed always - these and more!! Thousands of such questions hound me day and night but behold! No time to find the answers!! It is time to drop Vaanya to school and I have a presentation to be completed before she is back! Wait, she is asleep and let me finish the pending report. Lunch- Oh! you can wait!!

....and the race goes on and on and on!! Work from home also gave the benefit of working in 'pyjamas' and down the drain went the need to get up, get ready for work and take a quick look in the mirror!! I realized that I am unable to recognize myself- is it the same me who smiled and smiled often:😀

So, here is the speed braker!! This little one - the one who innocently looks at me and her eyes tell me that I am the best thing that she has - her favourite! To hell with the 20 kgs, to hell with the swollen face, to hell with everything!! From the minute she is up till she is off to bed (in fact in her sleep, too, her fingers search for my face) - the way she looks at me and says 'I love you" - I find myself back on Rank 1!! No matter what I am to the world, no matter what people think of me - I am at Rank 1 for my child!! This makes me resolve that I actually need to pull myself, take care of this one more self - "myself". This makes me resolve that her trusting eyes are the last straw that I need to hold on to, my last chance to prove to her, the last chance to make myself believe in her belief that Yes! I am beautiful- beautiful the way I am, beautiful for her and yes, beautiful for me!! 

The 9 A.M. call!!

The clock would strike 9 and the first phone call of the morning!! Everyday! Over what 15 years! Places changed, marital status changed, life changed but one thing remained constant - the 9 am call!!

Often I failed to pick the call- at times I was in my class, at times I was running late, at times my deliverable had to go, at times my kid was crying and most times I was just in a foul mood! But the phone still rang and it rang everyday!

At times, I picked it up with a smile, at times I called back later but many a time, I was annoyed. I picked up and said, "This is the craziest part of my morning. Can we please speak later?!" Yet again, next day, the phone rang..at 9 am..

Though I could not pick it up at times, though I was annoyed at times, though I hung up hurriedly at times but I waited for the call. It was an integral part of my life. The day my phone did not ring, I found myself picking it few times to check if the ringer was off or to check if I missed the call. I called back doubly annoyed, "Why didn't you call today? All ok?"😊

The call lasted for just a minute or so. It was just a call to check if I was ok. It was just a call to wish me a good day. It was just a ritual - a ritual which began years ago and suddenly stopped- one fine day!

It now no more rings at 9 in the morning, in fact that number doesn't show up any more at any time of the day. No matter how much I yearn for it, no matter how much I promise I wont get annoyed, no matter how alert I am so as not to miss it- it wont ring.

I wish I could value that 'less than a minute 9 A.M. call' when it rang; I wish I could squeeze out just 2 minutes everyday at 9 am then; I wish I could go back in time and call back annoyed, "Why didn't you call today? All ok?" I wish this and I wish so much more.....

I guess time to value and appreciate the tinniest of things while we have them. 😊

While I wish my Papa a Happy Birthday, why don't you call back the dear one whose call you just missed...

Let both of us, you and me, appreciate it while its still there.

With love,

From a Daughter, To her Papa!!