You are so beautiful!

'You are so beautiful!', she said. Surprised, I looked up. I wandered what had I done extra that made her feel so. I had just taken a bath and changed into 'something decent' from my night suit. That's about it! She, half asleep, opened her eyes and saw me, opened her eyes wide and smiled and said, "You are so beautiful Mumma!"

Tears welled up in my eyes. I wasn't crying but the emotions churning inside decided to show up. This 4 year old still finds me beautiful with those 20 kgs extra all over, face swollen up, hairs gradually falling out, me so unlike me, but this little one has no reason to complain.

Post pregnancy weight and all the changes thereon had succeeded in pulling down my self confidence. Once a chirpy girl was simply struggling to balance all the facets - home, office, the "not so naughty' toddler and all other "little little" responsibilities mounting up to that huge pile whose pinnacle was nowhere in sight. Amidst this, I had completely forgotten that there is another self I need to take care of - that self being 'myself'.

Am I unable to manage everything well, am I taking myself too lightly, shall I never be back to my older self, shall I keep feeling so depressed always - these and more!! Thousands of such questions hound me day and night but behold! No time to find the answers!! It is time to drop Vaanya to school and I have a presentation to be completed before she is back! Wait, she is asleep and let me finish the pending report. Lunch- Oh! you can wait!!

....and the race goes on and on and on!! Work from home also gave the benefit of working in 'pyjamas' and down the drain went the need to get up, get ready for work and take a quick look in the mirror!! I realized that I am unable to recognize myself- is it the same me who smiled and smiled often:😀

So, here is the speed braker!! This little one - the one who innocently looks at me and her eyes tell me that I am the best thing that she has - her favourite! To hell with the 20 kgs, to hell with the swollen face, to hell with everything!! From the minute she is up till she is off to bed (in fact in her sleep, too, her fingers search for my face) - the way she looks at me and says 'I love you" - I find myself back on Rank 1!! No matter what I am to the world, no matter what people think of me - I am at Rank 1 for my child!! This makes me resolve that I actually need to pull myself, take care of this one more self - "myself". This makes me resolve that her trusting eyes are the last straw that I need to hold on to, my last chance to prove to her, the last chance to make myself believe in her belief that Yes! I am beautiful- beautiful the way I am, beautiful for her and yes, beautiful for me!! 

The 9 A.M. call!!

The clock would strike 9 and the first phone call of the morning!! Everyday! Over what 15 years! Places changed, marital status changed, life changed but one thing remained constant - the 9 am call!!

Often I failed to pick the call- at times I was in my class, at times I was running late, at times my deliverable had to go, at times my kid was crying and most times I was just in a foul mood! But the phone still rang and it rang everyday!

At times, I picked it up with a smile, at times I called back later but many a time, I was annoyed. I picked up and said, "This is the craziest part of my morning. Can we please speak later?!" Yet again, next day, the phone rang..at 9 am..

Though I could not pick it up at times, though I was annoyed at times, though I hung up hurriedly at times but I waited for the call. It was an integral part of my life. The day my phone did not ring, I found myself picking it few times to check if the ringer was off or to check if I missed the call. I called back doubly annoyed, "Why didn't you call today? All ok?"😊

The call lasted for just a minute or so. It was just a call to check if I was ok. It was just a call to wish me a good day. It was just a ritual - a ritual which began years ago and suddenly stopped- one fine day!

It now no more rings at 9 in the morning, in fact that number doesn't show up any more at any time of the day. No matter how much I yearn for it, no matter how much I promise I wont get annoyed, no matter how alert I am so as not to miss it- it wont ring.

I wish I could value that 'less than a minute 9 A.M. call' when it rang; I wish I could squeeze out just 2 minutes everyday at 9 am then; I wish I could go back in time and call back annoyed, "Why didn't you call today? All ok?" I wish this and I wish so much more.....

I guess time to value and appreciate the tinniest of things while we have them. 😊

While I wish my Papa a Happy Birthday, why don't you call back the dear one whose call you just missed...

Let both of us, you and me, appreciate it while its still there.

With love,

From a Daughter, To her Papa!!

#janmashtami!!

 

हाथी घोड़ा पालकी, जय कन्हैया लाल की !!

हाथी घोड़ा पालकी, जय कन्हैया लाल की !!

...and the most awaited, most widely celebrated and most endearing festival is here - Janmashtami!! I am sure most of us reading this have some fond memories of Janmashtami - be it 'fasting' together as a family, be it adorning the avatar of "Bal Gopala" or "Radha Rani", be it humming "Choti Choti Gaiyan, Chote Chote Gwal" and so many other things! 

I have some beautiful memories of this festival, too. I mean it was like a "family festival" with the entire family fasting and breaking it at midnight to a huge feast!! The 'one by one' sleepy bath just before midnight to celebrate the birth of "Laddoo Gopal" (as we fondly call him), singing the aarti in chorus (not necessarily melodiously 😆 but definitely loud and clear😜), pulling the strings of the beautifully decorated jhula, breaking the fast with the "Panchamrit/ Charnamrit" on our palms and then devouring the humongous feast!! Well, Charnamrit or Panchamrit is considered extremely holy and as the name suggests, 'Charn-amrit' means 'nectar off the feet of God' and 'Panch-amrit' is made of 5 nectars/ holy things - Milk, Ghee, Dahi, Honey, Mishri (or sugar) - all these topped with 'tulsi' - the holiest of all!! While each of the ingredient have symbolic meaning, they together have immense health benefits if taken in correct proportions. As per Mahabharata, Panchamrit was one of the things which emerged in 'Samundra Manthan' and is considered as the 'Drink of Gods'.'

While the celebrations consisted of a huge feast of Fafar pooris, aloo sabji, platter of fruits, variety of sweets, dhaniya panjiri etc, I still yearn for those 'nariyal ki barfi' made by my dadi!! I waited for an another year and even fasted the entire day to devour those sinfully delicious nariyal barfis (more than my share!)!! My dadi is no more and nor are those barfis - but yes, I have those beautiful memories etched deep in my heart!!

I also fondly remember that we spend large part of the day (if it was a holiday) arranging the 'jhanki'! So, the seed was sown by my father as he fondly remembered his childhood once and described the 'competition' which various households had in creating the 'Jhanki' and then visiting each house to decide on the best! Bas, phir kya tha! There I was persuading my dadi to get me coloured sand, toys and all necessary items required to create themes related to life of Lord Krishna. I would go to the 'koylawala' near our house, get a huge chunk of koyla, cover it with cotton and create mountains, create rivers with broken glass pieces, create war themes, create forests and so many other themes year after year - one theme remaining constant- the jhula beautifully decorated with flowers, leaves, lights on which sat 'Laddo Gopal, all cleaned and bathed with milk, sparkling in his new dress, jewellery, 'mor mukut' and 'bansuri'. Oh, what a sight to behold!! Right now, I am really yearning to get hold of one of those old pics!! and yes, for my dadi too😒!!

Today, Janmashtami is so different!! All the sweets which my granny, mother and chachis prepared for days together, are readily available in the market - sadly nor do they have the same taste nor the same love with which they were prepared; one can easily purchase the ready jhulas (beautiful I must say) but sadly they lack the fun times spend by family in decorating the same themselves; I mean 'sab kuch hai' but 'kuch toh missing hai'!!

But yes, Janmashtami holds even more special place in my heart now!! I have my own 'Laddoo Gopal', my own 'Krishna Kanhaiya' - my teeny weeny Bunny!! The joy of turning her into 'Kanha' with 'mor mukut' on her head and 'bansuri' in her hands is indescribable! Here is a glimpse of  my very own 'Nand Gopal'💓💓💓

Janmashtami, by the way, is not just celebrated across India; it is joyfully celebrated with all pomp and show across Bangladesh, Nepal, Fiji and many other places where ISKCON has a presence. In Maharashtra,  'Dahi Handi' is a tradition where young boys termed as 'Govindas' make human pyramids by climbing on top of each other and break the earthen pot filled with curd hung very high. The tradition reminds us of Krishna's childhood where the villagers hid the makhan in high hanging earthen pots to prevent Bal Krishna, an ardent lover of 'makhan', from stealing it. 

Krishna 'Raas-Leela' at Mathura and Vrindavan, 'Dahi Handi' in Maharashtra, Krishna processions in Gujarat & Rajasthan, kite flying in Jammu, 'rangolis' in South India - I mean unique ways to rejoice the birth of the same one - 'natkhat' Bal Gopal!

I have a belief that it rains every year on the night of Janmashtami and while I wait for those heavenly showers, let us once again, with all the josh and energy, welcome 'Yashoda and Nand k lala'  this Janmashtami too!!

हाथी घोड़ा पालकी, जय कन्हैया लाल की !!

हाथी घोड़ा पालकी, जय कन्हैया लाल की !!

...and it ends with Purple!!

 ..and finally the last blog to the series and what a unique colour to end with- 'Purple'!

It was a colour day when I struggled to scout out a purple outfit for my daughter (just like the previous time)! The lazy bum in me did not find 6 months enough (gap between Chaitra & Sharad Navratri) to get a 'Purple' for Bunny😔 

Nevertheless, I managed with something close to it (so I like to believe).  While on one hand the colour signifies royalty, ambition, nobility and power, on the other hand it is associated with magic! The first thing which strikes my mind when I hear magic is my favourite Harry Potter!! I vividly remember that Snape used purple fire for his spell to protect the Philosopher's Stone in J.K Rowling's 'Harry Potter & the Philosopher's Stone'  while Hermione walked through the purple fire to get to Ron in Rowling's Harry Potter & the Sorcerer's Stone.

The colour has long been associated with the wizarding world and J. K. Rowling, in her novels, has associated this colour with noble & good magic. In Britain and parts of Europe, purple was associated with royalty; earlier purple dyes were worn by mostly the wealthy and bishops' rings were set with amethyst - a purple coloured semi-precious gemstone.

The only thing I recollect about this colour is that my brother had a fascination for 'purple' coloured shirts and I am sure (I think!) that I must have gifted him one!! Dude, if you are reading this, do not kill me if I haven't yet!! Will gift one soon😆😇

Oh, when we talk of shirts, I remember the nice purple shirt which my husband wore for my daughter's first birthday. Here is the pic!!

So, this was it for the series 'Navratri- What's the colour  today'. I would strive harder to continue writing and would need all your blessings and support. Do keep reading, do keep encouraging!

Until we meet again, may Ma Durga bestow her choicest blessings on each of us and  the year 2021 witnesses victory of good over evil!!

Is it blue? Is it Green? Behold! It is Peacock Green!!

Woo-hoo! Day 8- almost on the verge of closure to my series- 'Navratri-What's the colour today!"

Peacock Green it was!! Google has a simple..err..I mean quite simple explanation of this colour and I'll quote, 'a moderate yellowish green that is greener and stronger than tarragon, deeper than malachite green, and deeper and slightly yellower than verdigris'😝😜.

Well, the very mention of the colour simply reminds me of the beautiful royal peacock spreading its eye-spotted multi-coloured tail-feathers and dancing away to glory!! That is peacock green to me- hues of blue, hues of green and hues of yellow all arranged so naturally so elegantly together, soothing the eyes of the beholder! 

Now, when we speak of peacock feather, the first image which strikes our mind is that of 'Lord Krishna' with that 'morpankh' adorning his mukut, bansuri on his lips and the mischievous smile reaching his eyes!

Kanha, Gopal, Kunj Bihari, Madhav, Banke Bihari, Nandgopal - our Krishna is known by so many names! Janamashtami or Gokulashtami is celebrated like a national festival not only around the country but around the world, too, when followers worship the 'bal avatar' and rejoice the birth of Krishna.  One of the most popular deities, Krisha holds a special place in our Bollywood movies, too. Have we not often humm to the tunes of "Yashumati maiya se bole nandlala, Radha kyu gori, mein kyu kala!". So, the morpankh and Krisha connection?? According to the Vrindavan story, the melodious raga from Krishna's flute made the peacocks in and around Govardhan hills dance with joy and when Krishna joined the peacocks in their dance, the king of peacocks offered the morpankh, his greatest opulence, as a token of gratitude  and till date it adorns the forehead of our  'shyam varna' or dark skinned Krishna and hence another name is 'Mormukatdhari"!

Do you see that tiny morpankh perched in the mukut of this little Krishna - my Krishna, my very own Ladoo Gopal💓😍

I have taken an attempt to intone one of the beautiful bhajans sung in praise of Lord Krishna. All that the simple bhajan says is that 'darshan' of Krishna solely depends on the strength of one's bhakti. 

अच्युतम केशवं कृष्ण दामोदरं, राम नारायणं जानकी वल्लभं || 

अच्युतम केशवं कृष्ण दामोदरं, राम नारायणं जानकी वल्लभं || 

'Peacock Green' morpankh- an auspicious symbol associated with the national bird of our country- is believed to bring good luck and prosperity if kept in the house. May the 'morpankh' absorb all that is negative and bestow all that is divine, blissful and pure!

It's Nature, It's Growth, It's Green!

 The beautiful Friday morning and the first thing on my mind was "Green"!

'Bachpan' mein green meant trees (for me) and tennis balls (for my brothers)! 'School' mein my sister's house, 'Kitchen' mein bhindi, palak, coriander, chillies, 'Office' mein go-green, 'Chai' bhi green, 'Dollar' bhi green! 'Green' is for 'Go, 'Green' is for 'Grow'! The 'Natural' Green, the 'Empowering' Green!!

The 'Saraf' family I belong to has religious restrictions with green and family members are forbidden from wearing the color, except the 'daughters' of the house on the grounds that, " ladkiyan to parai hain; doosre ghar chali jaegi"😆 On those grounds, my cool granny brought us the coolest green dresses while my brothers and the other family had to forego the evergreen colour!!

Looking at the larger picture, we are blessed to be naturally surrounded by the colour. The lush green forests, the tall green trees, the green fruits & veggies, the adorable talkative parrot, the valuable green emerald, the dewy green grass, green and green all around!!

Green signifies nature, it symbolizes prosperity, it is associated with growth, it stands for rebirth, it represents fertility, it means renewal, it describes spring! 

My little one happens to have a small connect with the vibrant colour! 'Vaanya' means 'God's gift!! However, google search also throws up the meaning as "Van ki devi"- Goddess of Forests! So, the spiritual green!!

Here is a green frog - art & craft done in her preschool!! Quite an interesting activity but the most precious outcome- my Vaanya's smile!!

The 'green' spring is about to onset and will bring along 'Chaitra Navratri'! May Goddess Durga give us 'shakti' to overcome the last leg of the pandemic and help us emerge victorious - victory of good over evil in the truest sense of the word!

The 'Sunshine' Yellow!!

 Day 6 and 'Yellow' it was!!

I have a long term relationship with this colour. I think it is my favourite colour- that's what my mom said!! I remember her chiding me and saying, " I shall throw your entire wardrobe out if you buy another yellow"!!!😆

Nevertheless, my love has not subsided!! I have realized when I am given options, I automatically choose this beautiful, happy colour- the colour which is as bright as the sun, as cheerful as those smiley balls, as vibrant as the sunflower!!

Just like each day of Navratri has a colour associated with it, such is the case with each day of the week too, and yellow is for Thursdays (Vrihaspativar)! As per Hinduism, Thursday is the day of Lord Vishnu and yellow is his favourite colour and so, wearing the colour on that day is considered auspicious. You are right! I never had a difficulty following this tradition given my overflowing yellow wardrobe!!!

What more, 'Saraswati Puja' is soon approaching. Vasant Panchami for the larger audience! Vasant (spring) Panchami marks the arrival of spring (vasant) and is celebrated not only in India but in Nepal, Bali & Indonesia, too. Goddess Saraswati- symbol of wisdom & knowledge is worshipped on that day, mostly in Bengal, Odisha and some northern states. You will witness tiny tots walking down the street all clad in yellow sarees as tiny as them!! A truly endearing sight it is indeed!! Yellow for new bloom, yellow for spring and thus, yellow for Vasant!

Let me draw a common thread between wearing yellow on Thursday and on Saraswati Puja. Thursday is also known as 'Guruvar' & Maa Saraswati is the Goddess of knowledge - our Guru. Yellow is symbolic of Guru, Yellow is symbolic of wisdom, Yellow is symbolic of auspicious. So, the yellow on Thursday and so the yellow on Saraswati Puja or Vasant Panchmi!

When I look around, I realize that we are surrounded by this hue. I mean the golden yellow sunlight, the potassium rich, the basic bananas, the natural antiseptic turmeric, the tangy lemon, the cuddly winnie the pooh adorning my room, the tiny seeds of mustard, the famous 'Kolkata' taxis, the fibre rich corn, I mean the list is endless!

The latest collection to my personal yellow is a yellow coloured doggy!! Off course, Bunny ka doggy! No, no not a real pet- just a stuff toy! She loves it!! Sleeps with it, wakes up with it, hugs it, cuddles it, feeds it, basically 'head over heels' in love with it!! I hope she doesn't demand a real one soon!! I mean I would love a pet but I need few more years until Bunny can take care of the pet herself!!

Here is my sunshine, my little soldier armoured in yellow!! Just look at the walk!! I mean she had just started walking few steps and look at the excitement! More than a year old photograph but as fresh to my eyes and as dear to my heart!!💓💓

Chaitra Navratri is round the corner and my yellow dress is awaiting to honour my darling!! But before that, spring shall onset- Vasant Panchmi!! So, Saraswati Maa, in Bunny's words- 'Buddhi do"!!